Tuesday, December 15, 2009

There's No Place Like Home...

I think I can speak for both Miles and I when I say that we are so extremely tired of this. We're so thankful we knew before Bella was born of her Down syndrome diagnosis and to learn of her AV defect.  We're thankful we were prepared and knew what was coming... but I have to admit, this possibility of another surgery is definitely a shocker to me.  I suppose it was the last thing I thought I'd here, and most definitely the last thing I wanted to hear.

It's probably understandable, it's probably "normal" and I'm sure anyone could guess how I'm feeling... but I have to say it outloud.  I want our baby girl and I want to take her home.  She's three weeks old today and she's never seen her own nursery.  I'm sick to my stomach that she might have to endure another surgery.  I know that they wouldn't put her through it if it were unnecessary, but I can't help to think that she's only three-weeks-old!  How much can such a little body take?  I can't stand seeing her lying there so swollen she doesn't even look like our baby.  Sitting in this hotel room is about all we can do, unless we want to go out and spend money (which we're trying SO hard not to do). 

Yesterday Miles took us to the zoo.  It was a lot of fun, I admit... but it was also so sweet.  We were practically the only ones there.  He hated that we just sat in the hotel when we couldn't be with Bella, and thought it was really unhealthy for us to just sit and stew.  After Googling some things to do in Omaha, he found the zoo and thought, "Why not?"  Thankfully all of the animals were indoors so we weren't subjected to the horrendous weather.  I'm so grateful that even though my husband is undoubtedly stressed as well, he's looking out for my sanity and mental well-being on top of it all.

I understand it is all happening for a reason but to be honest, at this point, I'm exhausted in every way imaginable.  I just want to be home.  We feel like aliens in this city, and we can't even come "home" at night.  (Although we've dutily filled the fridge with food and have practically made this our home by now). 

Last night I wrote on Facebook that I'm very angry.  Not at anyone or anything in particular, and by all means I do NOT resent Bella for any of this -- but I'm so angry she may have to have another surgery; that we may have to be here even longer than ever anticipated.  I'm angry because it was such a surprise, and most of all, how it was delivered to us.

The lady was a "Home Officer", whatever that is, and I don't think it's appropriate that someone with the thickest Middle Eastern accent I've ever heard is sent in to tell us of "the surgery".  Let alone she looked at us like we were crazy because we didn't know there'd be another surgery!  At first I honestly thought she misread the echo and she was talking about a different child.  I really did.  Miles was able to understand her and knew she was talking about Bella, but I sat there with my mouth agape and freaking out inside.  Once she left the nurse Errin clarified for me.  Yet I couldn't believe some woman came in there and just talked to us like we knew... and once we began questioning her, acted like we were idiots because we didn't know what she was talking about.  Something was miscommunicated, I'm aware, but I wish the hospital would have had more tact than to send someone who doesn't even have proper medical credentials. 

Well, Miles is about to jump out of the shower and I have yet to dry my hair and look normal so I don't scare the world.  Hopefully the surgeon will come talk to us as soon as we arrive.  I think we deserve that much.


Mel said...

Hey there, sounds like you are having a rough ride, and being away from home can't help either. Hang in there, it will all be worth it in the end.

Sending wee Bella a big cuddle, and hope she is home soon :)

Suzanne said...

Just wanted you to know I am praying for you and your family , expecially your sweet Bella. You visited my blog awhile back at www.specialneedsmom.com , By now you have learned about letting go and letting God guide you. To be patient, and let your priority of your family and your sweet child guide you!

Good luck. Suzanne at www.specialneedsmom.com