When Neighbors Attack

I’ve been sitting in bed reading “Sense & Sensibility” as per my husband’s request for my latest classic endeavor, put it down at the third chapter and decided it was time for a nap since I couldn’t focus my eyes on the page anymore. After I call him and ask if he advises me to put the garage door up or not, he decided it’d not be a good idea. This is due to our neighbor allowing her two toddlers (as she holds a newborn... she’s gotta be ≥ 25) and two gigantic dogs to literally run the streets, run our yard, run in our garage, ring our doorbell and every other neighbors doorbell, throw pasta noodles on the driveway (we have a “shared” driveway), take our hose on our porch and snake it off into our yard.... I could go on. In any case, last night we discovered that the old dresser we have stashed in the garage was knocked over by either the kids (I dread not because they’re only 3- and 2-years-old) or the dogs and it laid on my car. Fortunately for the neighbor-lady there were no dents or scratches because I was quite armed and ready to ring her doorbell and make her admit to her rudeness.

Miles’ pet peeve is my leaving the screen door locked. When he’s gone I typically lock everything. Screen doors. Bolted doors. Bathroom doors. Everything is locked because I am paranoid, I am pregnant and I feel helpless. He gets very angry with me when I accidentally leave the screen door locked when he is home. So, to be sure I don’t tick him off, I got up out of bed (sans pants because I’m a germaphobe and believe pants worn outdoors should not be worn in bed) and went to the front door. I heard some noises and thought it may be the other neighbor (our front doors are only perhaps a foot apart with a dinky wood separator for “privacy”) so I just quickly opened the bolted door and find myself pregnant and pantless in front of a stranger in his Air Force uniform holding a long metal rod. I attempt to act normal (because it is, right?...) and he informs me our neighbors complained that they couldn’t sit outside because there is a wasp nest at our door. Forgetting I have no pants on (because really, pregnant ladies at almost 30 weeks ARE NOT SEXY) I immediately go into mean drive. I then ask him if there is a metal rod for neighbors who like to smoke at MY front door and then close my door.

(I'm sorry, even though I smoked I never did it near someone's door, someone's car, or someone's windows. It's RUDE. It's rude when smokers stay near business doors and force everyone to smell the lingering poison. It's rude to stand at MY door when you have YOUR OWN DOOR and smoke because guess what? That smoke then goes into my house and I CAN SMELL IT IN MY HOUSE.)

Now I’m going back to bed with another heap of cheese.